Monday, February 14, 2011

RIP, 2010. And by RIP, I mean Rot In Poo

sooo, as evidenced by my month and a half hiatus from this website, my ADD has clearly kicked in. after spending two full days at work (yes work), carefully selecting the perfect color scheme, font, and general aesthetics of the blog, i quickly lost interest.  turns out, the main ingredient of a successful blog is, in fact, the actual words that are written.  that being said, here i am, ready and refreshed to share my deeply insightful thoughts with the world...and for that, i apologize :)

now let's see, how do i accurately and adequately share my most recent 2011 findings?  the answer is, i just can't quite yet.  there are far too many titillating tales to disclose from 2010! .  let me begin with a quick summary of the highlights from cat ran away, only to become a local celebrity; my most cherished possession, my kate spade wallet was stolen, along with the $500 cash inside; aaaaand i repeatedly found myself in not one, not two, not three, but FOUR short term mind-fuckingly terribly "relationships" - you better believe i will elaborate here!  given the type-writer aged formatting capabilities of this website, please excuse layout of this post - i'd prefer a bullet-ed or numbered approach here, however this is a public site, and most likely isn't concerned with the ease of the eye reading viewership.  here goes:

The Ex
i won't spend much time on the ex as, after one solid year, i am 100% entirely through and through recovered from the twisted and mind-bottling plague of a relationship between myself and this bag of emotional diarrhea.  here is how it ended.

E: oh hey andrea, i'm inviting myself to your parent's house for christmas for 5 days - sweet, but i'll bitch about it to everyone i know behind your back, it's cool
A: oh hey E, there you are! sounds fanTAB
E: by the way, i got you a mattress for christmas because i hate your bed, even though i refuse to ever come over to your apartment because i love my dog so much that i'd rather spoon him at night.  merry christmas!
A: umm, not sure how the parents are going to feel about your gifting me a mattress...on two levels...a) you bought our daughter a MATTress for christmas?  rrrroooommmmaaaannnncccceee! and b) you bought our daughter a mattress for christmas out of wedlock?  getthefuckoutofourhouseandnevertouchmydaughteragain. (something along those lines?)
E: oh yeah, that makes sense, i'll just go and get you some backup presents for you and the entire family from target on my way to your house on 12/24...and subsequently give them to you in military duffel bags i got at he laundromat.  yeah, that's what i'll do.

now, what were the presents you ask?  for Christmas 2009, i received a blender, because "you like smoothies!!".  have you NEVER seen Father of the Bride, asshole?  oh, and an ihome, which i already own...which was later returned by the cheap bastard.  two weeks later, he rolls up to my apt carrying a 6ft tall 10inch in diameter cylinder.  yes, this is my hallowed mattress.  $299 special...suhWEET.  oh yeah, this is after the IKEA gift certificate birthday present i received 7 months earlier - can we say love?

oh wait, let's now flashforward 10 days later:

E:  wow i slept great last night with the dog i love more than i do you in my own did you sleep in your separate discount mattress/bed 2 miles away?
A: slept great, so i haven't seen you in two weeks, want to do something together?  ya know, bc we're dating?
E: uhhhh, i guess?  i'll be right over, we can go watch football!
A: sweet!  i'll clean and get myself together bc you haven't been to my apartment in, well....ever, and i want my boyfriend to be excited and comfortable when he comes over!
E: hey andrea!  haven't seen ya in a few weeks - how's it going?  guess what, i think we should break up blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahlsdkjfl;kasjt;gsjgl;kjsdgl;kjsdglk;jsdlgkjasl;dkgjslk;dgjsdg, now i'm going to cry like a little girl.
A: much like Australia in "ze end of ze world" - wtf mate?

yeah, i think that pretty much covers it.  like i said, one year out, i'm entirely over it.  moving on!!!  here is where it gets good :)

The Good Doctor - not starring Matt Damon
let me introduce you to the good doctor.  i use the word "good" in the same vein as the next day hangover attributed to the delicious spirit of dr. mcgillicuddy (the "good" doctor).  so, as none of you know at this juncture, i work in a bar a few nights a week.  despite my numerous attempts to quit, i have reached a point where i am head over heels in love with this otherwise viewed as degrading form of work.  i mention this, as it directly applies to the "good doctor" - so week after week, this my doctor crush comes into the bar, and we awkwardly make eyes at one another...finally, one day, he's chatting it up with a girl i, two, three (i'm counting ahead as a substitution for yadda yadda yadda).  we start dating, where her repeatedly asks if i've quit the side job yet...apparently that is not worthy work for an individual associated with his lot in life...i'll jump to the finale.  it's my BIRTHday!!! i plan to go away for the weekend, but oh no, the doctorman steps in and coordinates a different birthday plan involving a good friend and her husband (who he conveniently grew up with).  ok sweet!  here is the course of events:

-it's andrea's birthday
-having heard nothing from the good doctor, she texts to see what the situation is, since it was getting late.  because as we all know, the birthday girl should be a) making the first contact to her new beau on the day of her birth, to confirm the birthday plans he hijacked and rescheduled for her and her/their friends, and b) well a really pretty much is enough reasoning.
-hour later no response
-two hours later - "oh hey, i'm day drinking" (no mention of the bday)
-andrea - "ummmm plan?"
-dr - "i'll try to make it"
-andrea - uhhh ok?
-24 hours later "omg i'm so sorry, turns out day drinking and sleep deprivation are a terrible idea - i owe you a birthday drink"

synopsis of the trials tribulations of dating a dr?  suck it and your birthday drink.  and i hope that drink is bird piss!  NEXT!

Oil Tycoon
i'll keep this one short, similar to the stature of the tycoon.  stats: obsessed with andrea, probably married, possibly stole andrea's wallet and the contents within (ok that's a stretch), most likely now happily reconnected with the wife and kids in connecticut.  oh, and his charming friend (always an indication of one's character, right), on two separate occasions, independently of my organization, took the liberty of sharing the following GEMS of conversation pieces:

"i sold my internet porn company for two comma's"
"oh, you're married? you can get up out of that chair i just gave to you any time now"

i don't even know how to summarize the ending of this fairytale, so i won't.

tom oh tommy oh thomas tom tom.  where do we beGIN with you???  above and beyond, you are the most interesting asshole i've EVER had the pleasure of pitying!  congratulations!! our budding romance began, long ago, with a blip of a hiatus recognized for the ex.  leading up to mid-fall 2010, we had never really tried the relationship me a floozie, but it's 2010, and that's just how dating goes.  then things got weird.  weird as in upon leaving a bar to walk home, tom stalks me in a cab, ultimately jumping out and following me to my apartment, stopping only once to tell me "andrea- i'm falling in love with you" (um ok tom).  this happened twice more.  and ODDLY, i start to think maybe this boy actually does like me?  we start hanging out a little more, only to find out he's a coke fiend, even known to snort sugar on occasion - with 12 dashes of a life is too good to be true paranoia complex.  so one fine evening, i'm feeling a particular breed of defeat, sitting at a bar with a number of pals.  and what to my wondering eye should appear? but the aforementioned E, and his new girlfriend. and then tom, whom i'm growing entirely bored and fed up with, plopping himself down next to me.  all depressypants, i lay into him telling him it's over.  evidently, despite his nodding head and acceptance of my words, he didn't quite comprende...or he suffers from short term memory loss.  the following week, i receive a phone call from the bastard telling me "andrea, i really like you, but i want kids and a family and to get married, just not with you" - i'll leave you to draw your own conclusions to that one.

i feel as though i'm at the podium accepting the "most impressive display of relationship defeat" at the Academy Awards of Love, and am forgetting to thank some key "supporters" in my championship.  but this post is getting just too too long, and i actually do have a work deadline.  i will leave you with this.  2010, i equate you to the fate of Lehman Brothers in 2008.  i am so incredibly glad to be rid of the skidmark you left on the underpants of my 28th year on this planet.  i learned a lot, but give you no thanks.  in the wise words of cee-lo and his peacock bodysuit....forget you.

oh, Happy Valentine's Day!!

Monday, January 3, 2011


is there anybody...out there?   pink floyd reference.  i was pretty annoyed when i was writing my "profile" and was so rudely notified that my brilliantly crafted essay was well over the 1,200 character limit.  really?  we only get 1,200 CHARACTERS to describe our wonderful selves?  remember when you had to write a 5 page report, and you could simply adjust the margin and font settings, and boom, 3 pages becomes 4.25 (which technically IS 5 pages)?  or was i the only one who ever did that.  i think the only report i ever wrote without tampering with the formatting was in 3rd grade when i chose to research (plagiarize encyclopedia britannica) and write about mt. st. helen's - 35 pages, double space, hand written in pencil, wide-ruled paper ---> A++ - totally bottled mrs. van maldergham's mind.

back to the theme here, i don't know. it doesn't seem like enough space.  so what's my solution - i dedicate my very first post to myself.  here are 13 things (I WANTED to share immediately) that you should know about me:

1.  i.never.capitalize. it's funny - you will probably never meet a more judgmental grammarian than myself - i just don't see the need to capitalize in cyberspace, texting, etc.  sometimes i do, when addressing people - i've been told it's a sign of disrespect to lower case someone's name.  more often than not, i just ignore the rule - depends on the situation.  i think i'm actually developing some carpel tunnels, and i feel that nixing the extra "shift" or "alt" button press might somehow slow down the impending early onset arthritis that our entire generation will be plagued with.

2.  if you fear run-on sentences and/or stream of consciousness-esque literature...just save yourself the time and trouble and turn around now.  it's ok, we wouldn't be friends anyway.

3. i am NOT racist or politically opinionated in any way shape or form.  my comments are purely observational, and stem from no harm.

4. i love my cat.  i'm not a cat person - i've never liked them - but i am head over heels obsessed with Ralph (capitalized his name :) you'll get to know him...well.

5. i have a passion for quality, non-sensical humor.  not so much bathroom humor. two and tube.

6. i simply adore my friends and family. i may or may not change names for fear of them getting mad and yelling at me.

7. my one goal in life is to open up a business.  preferably a sandwich shop, possibly with coffee and cupcakes.  i'm just not sure yet.  i have a name, but won't reveal it until i have enough funding.

8. elaborating on number 5 above, i have an uncanny talent for remembering the minutest of inconsequential material....quotes (movie, tv, viral media), trivia, names, faces, places, you name it.  it's the important stuff that gets me.

9. i'm also fantastically talented at losing stuff - keys, cats, cards, phones, patience, attention...

10. i make a lot of words up - usually by adding -ness or -esque or -ation to the end.

11.  i usually have a song running through my head.

12. i really want to meet Bret and Jemain.  but not mel.

13. as of January 3rd, 2011, at 4:46pm, i have never left this country.

seeing how this stupid site took me ALL day to create, i'm going to do some quality actual work meow.